8:00 in Bristol...

[Greg adkins]

I'm in Bristol, Virginia sitting in a comfortable chair with my feet propped up on a table, drinking a cup of coffee. It's 8:00 on Friday night, November 11th. I left Knoxville today at 4:00 and drove up... arrived around 6:00 and I've been relaxing a little bit since then... picking the setlist... tuning the guitars... talking to the workers... drinking too much coffee.

I'm supposed to start at 8:00. Counting the 2 employees and me, there are 7 people in the building, and the only 4 customers have been here since 6 looking at architecture plans. And this is when it hits me...

This music thing is going to be hard. I knew this day would come... the day I would drive 2 hours to play a show for no one... the day I would drive back home realizing that I didn't get paid enough to cover my actual expenses, not to mention the things you can't quantify like a night away from my wife and little boy.

Okay, the 4 people left. It's just me and the baristas. It's 8:02.

So far, all of my shows have been great... good crowds, good times. And who knows, maybe in 30 minutes, this place will fill up and I'll sell 20 CDs. Maybe... but I'm not counting on it.

So here is where those voices start to creep in... you're wasting your time... who are you kidding... who do you think you are anyway... and I know I have to fight to keep them at bay. I wonder if everyone who ever was successful at this went through a time when they felt that way... heard those same whispers. I wonder if they were 31 when they heard them for the first time. This is a young man's game and I'm well... 31.

I believe in what I'm doing... i believe that God gave me songs, and that I am supposed to give them proper upbringings... to raise them like children and send them out into the world to shine their light wherever they will. But at what cost? A Friday night away from my family is a friday night away from my family... if no one comes to hear me play, I don't get it back. Whatever cool things my son does tonight, I miss, whether 50 people hear me play or 5... I guess having 50 makes it go down easier.

This is a theme for me... the struggle of faith and doubt... those two dogs have been fighting in me for years and years now with no end in sight. The battle seeps its way into every corner of my life... my spiritual life... my professional life... my family life... my inner life... I wonder if the peace coming in heaven is simply the feeling of the long battle finally coming to an end. Probably like that, but better.

Well, 8:10. Still just me. I think I am going to go make sure my guitars are still in tune. Maybe take a lap around downtown. This is a cool little area... i've never been up here before. It seems like the kind of a place where a lot would be going on... and maybe it will yet... I have faith...

and doubts...

- Greg

[Greg adkins]

Well, I'm home now... it's 12:45 AM. People ended up coming... probably 25 or 30 over the course of the night. But I could have been playing Metallica covers for all anyone cared. Someone put $2.00 in the tip jar. That was it. No CDs. The venue made me buy my own sandwich. So yeah... that sucked pretty much.

I always wondered why all the singer-songwriter types I liked so much who used to come to New City here in Knoxville would always quit coming... now I know. Discouragement is a powerful thing... I feel like quitting completely right now. I mean, I'm sure I'll feel better in the morning, but knowing that I had 30 people listen to me, and no one felt moved enough to so much as even say hello when I was done... that stings a bit.

I know the reality of it though... high school and college kids in a coffeehouse isn't my crowd. I'm 31. I don't look like a gap model... I'm a father... husband... minister. There's not much sexy about any of that. No, my crowd is people like me... adult people... who want to hear stories of real life stuff. Nothing against the kids and the college students at all... man, when I was their age, I wouldn't have wanted to have heard me either. I get it, really I do. I'm going to have to be more intentional about booking shows with an audience I have a shot of connecting with. Problem is, those shows are really hard to set up. Coffeehouses are easy... you call them up, you send them a demo, they book you. Easy as that. Sometimes they pay you, sometimes they don't. Churches are tricky... you have to convince a minister that they should spend a valuable evening having you in for a concert. I'm a minister and I usually say no when people ask me to have a concert... so I get it. Aside from that, you feel like a total egomaniac calling a stranger and telling them you're worthy of a concert.

Geez I'm just rambling off the hook tonight. I need to go to bed. I wanted this website to be the real deal... my honest thoughts about all this "music career" stuff. So here they are... hope it's not too depressing. I'm sure things will pick up... I have another show Sunday that should have great attendance... it's at the church I used to work at a few years ago.

Okay, for real. Off to bed. Thanks for reading.

- Greg

[sharon]

admin said:

I believe in what I'm doing... i believe that God gave me songs,

I believe that too.

[growingyoung]

wow greg. that's depressing. maybe some of these churches will work out. like you said, God gave you those songs - he'll give you the shows too.

[arthur]

Greg,
Keep going man. I have felt your present pain most of the time I have been playing music. It stinks, but I assume it is all part of the deal. Sunday will be better.....much better.

By the way, I called Midtown and Michelle has yet to call me back. I will probably give her a call on Monday.

Give me a call if you need anything.

[jill]

Hey Greg -

I'm sorry to hear how discouraging Friday night was for you. There are a lot of people who really believe in your ministry (more than just your family and friends). Hope things start looking up.

[jamie]

Ouch. At least the ten of us in Michigan clapped between songs!

Stick with it, man!

[kevangirl]

hey greg, i for one am totally diggin the truth, the "real deal" i'm finding in your writing on this blog..... and i dig your music too! actually, i'm prepping to interview you for Grassrootsmusic.com and all that I'm reading only makes me want to hear more of your story.

hey, didja ever think..... this is all part of the calling, part of the ministry.... to help the rest of us who dare to dream too.

[Terrie Winkle]

Hey Greg . . .

this is the first time I've stopped by your message board. I believe that God has given you a gift and the enemy will stop at nothing to knock you down. I've been there . . . I've been at those venues where no one seems to listen . . . but in the end, someone (that you probably will never meet) heard the words and at a later time . . . God will harvest those seeds you planted. The music business is extremely tough. Keep pressing on! God will do mighty works through you and your music!