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Post by Greg adkins on Jun 19, 2006 22:48:50 GMT -5
Hey guys... Just wrote these lyrics tonight at home... wanted to get some opinions. Tell me how they hit you... good, bad, ugly. Only one rule... be honest. Like Darth Minister said on here I think... If I wanted smoke blown my way, I'd send this to my mom. Put Back Together 6/19/06 - 11:45 pm I took a fall from the heights And I shattered hard on the ground And just when I thought I was there all alone There you were coming around You gathered all my scattered pieces And put them together again Now everyone says that it’s beautiful But I just can’t seem to forget Will there ever come a day On the other side of the blue When I won’t be put back together I’ll be brand new Like a patchwork quilt or a ragdoll Like a mosaic made out of glass Everytime that I look at myself I’m reminded again of the past Will there ever come a day On the other side of the blue When I won’t be put back together I’ll be brand new Yes I know There is inherent beauty In light shining through all the cracks Yes I know You have plans for my future But I can’t stop looking back Will there ever come a day On the other side of the blue When I won’t be put back together I’ll be brand new
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Post by Jeph on Jun 20, 2006 8:35:11 GMT -5
Don't have slow or minor-toned music for this. It's already a little depressing but not bad. Somewhat choppy at the bridge (yes I know...) but could work. I'm typically not a fan of lyrics that switch perspectives or audiences. The bridge goes from talking out loud to talking to God. Not bad. I'm just not sure it's fluid.
If you could put the words affliction and addiction in there, or maybe depression and suppression, or achy and breaky, I think it would help. Just some thoughts.
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Post by Greg adkins on Jun 20, 2006 9:15:51 GMT -5
will you ever forgive my affliction cause you know it's left me achy this pain is my addiction it's something I just can't breaky.
yeah. that's the new outro. awesome.
The song is in 6/8 and it's not in a minor key but it does have a fair amount of minor chords. I'll think about that perspective switch on the bridge... you're right, it is a little choppy there. Thanks Jeph.
More thoughts?
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jamie
Gets three weeks paid vacation!
Posts: 116
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Post by jamie on Jun 20, 2006 11:40:31 GMT -5
Now everyone says that it’s beautifulBut I just can’t seem to forget James Blunt would love that part...
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jamie
Gets three weeks paid vacation!
Posts: 116
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Post by jamie on Jun 20, 2006 15:45:21 GMT -5
Ok, Greg, one more and then I'll stop hijacking your post and we can get back to talking about your lyrics... Blunt's "You're Beautiful" Wakens Girl In Coma www.thesun.co.uk/article/0,,2-2006280208,00.html
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jamie
Gets three weeks paid vacation!
Posts: 116
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Post by jamie on Jun 20, 2006 15:49:00 GMT -5
I'm no musician, but I really liked this stanza:
Like a patchwork quilt or a ragdoll Like a mosaic made out of glass Everytime that I look at myself I’m reminded again of the past
But for some reason didn't care for the chorus:
Will there ever come a day On the other side of the blue When I won’t be put back together I’ll be brand new
To me the "other side of the blue" and the "I'll be brand new" sounds somewhat cliched.
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Post by Greg adkins on Jun 21, 2006 0:15:20 GMT -5
Okay guys, seriously... thanks for the great criticism on this. I really appreciate it. I've been working on a rewrite of this. See if this hits you guys better. Please note changes and my notes in bold:
I took a fall from the heights And I shattered hard on the ground And just when I thought I was there all alone THESE 2 LINES ARE DIFFERENT There you were coming around
You gathered all my broken pieces And you put them together again I guess this is meant to be beautiful CHANGE HERE But I just can’t seem to forget
And I’m waiting for the day CHORUS IS DIFFERENT After all of this breaking is through When I won’t be put back together I’ll be made new
Like a patchwork quilt or a ragdoll THIS IS THE SAME Or a mosaic made out of glass Everytime that I look at myself I’m reminded again of the past
And I’m waiting for the day After all of this breaking is through When I won’t be put back together I’ll be made new
Yes I know DOES THIS BRIDGE MAKE SENSE? There is inherent beauty In light shining through all the cracks And I know maybe I could see clearer If I could just stop looking back
Oh if only if only if only WHICH OF THESE 2 VERSES IS THE KEEPER? THIS ONE? Those are words I can’t seem to forget My brokenness sails from the west to the east While I stand on the shores of regret
Oh if only if only if only OR THIS ONE? That’s the theme of the song of my years My eyes gaze off towards the horizon When all that I need is right here
And I’m waiting for the day On the other side of the blue When I won’t be put back together I’ll be made new
SO... I changed a lot of lyrics and added another verse after the bridge... I think I favor the first of those last two verses but let me know what you think. Also, if any of you have any suggestions for specific lines or want to take a stab at a better chorus, let me know.
I'm kind of determined to work this into a good song... for some reason I just really like the idea of contrasting being put back together with being made new... for some of us, being put back together is about the best we can hope for in this life (and hey, that's more than most of us deserve and can be really beautiful). I was looking at a glass mosaic in stone when I got the idea for this song... it's beautiful but the whole thing is a reminder to its former state of brokenness. I feel that way a lot of the time...
- Greg
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jamie
Gets three weeks paid vacation!
Posts: 116
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Post by jamie on Jun 21, 2006 15:09:48 GMT -5
Love the new chorus, especially the bold:
And I’m waiting for the day After all of this breaking is through When I won’t be put back together I’ll be made new
I like the forgetting/remembering theme running through it... In the possible two last verses, I like the first two lines of the first option: Oh if only if only if only Those are words I can’t seem to forget
Seems like you'd want to stick with that metaphor, rather than switching to a sailing/shores idea. (That's part of the reason why the "theme song" option didn't grab me.)
Anyway, just my thoughts...
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meriam
Employee of the Month!
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Post by meriam on Jun 21, 2006 20:47:39 GMT -5
I agree with Jamie about that last verse. I like the first two lines but the second part doesn't fit. "West to east" sounds wierd, my ears are used to it the other way.
Not that I actually know anything. Really, I just want a car.
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meriam
Employee of the Month!
Posts: 58
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Post by meriam on Jun 21, 2006 20:55:07 GMT -5
Ooh, look at that. I got another gold star! And I'm in charge. That means I get to boss people around, right? I'm good at that.
Enough of that. Can't wait to hear the song, Greg.
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Post by growingyoung on Jun 21, 2006 21:03:03 GMT -5
i like the newer revised version a lot better dude.
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Post by Rob Osborn on Jun 22, 2006 7:33:01 GMT -5
I just threw some ideas up on the songwriters board...
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Post by Sean without an H on Jun 23, 2006 13:54:59 GMT -5
Wanted to throw in my two cents, whatever they're worth... I really like the chorus, and though I was diggin the "other side of the blue" I like the "all the breaking is through" a LOT. Rock on wit yo bad chorus On the last verse, I think I like the second one best, about it all being right here... definitely agree w/ losing the sailing metaphor [not bad, just doesn't seem to fit]. Please, Please continue working this into a good song... i can't wait to hear it. sch
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Post by darthminister on Jun 30, 2006 9:08:06 GMT -5
Greg,
I really like the bridge. It makes perfect sense to me.
The "if only if only if only" part seems weird to me b/c I can't hear how it would sound in a song. It makes sense, it just seems to redundant for lyrics. Between the two verses, I like the one with "Those are words I can’t seem to forget" b/c "that's the theme OF the song OF my years" comes across really choppy.
All that being said, sometimes when music is put to words, it changes the whole dynamic of how you feel about them. Good song man
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sharon
Regional Supervisor
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Post by sharon on Oct 2, 2006 9:12:35 GMT -5
I heard this song last night at the Milford concert, and though there were many incredibly powerful and beautiful songs, I think this one might have been my favorite. Hope it's on the new album.
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